This week, my kid’s school sent out a note that anyone who wanted to take their kids out of school early on Friday for Halloween could do so but needed to send in a note.
Halloween is on Sunday.
Now, here’s some jokes.
Please enjoy this week’s dad jokes, parent complaints, mom puns, tweets, and rants every parent will appreciate.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2021
My son came downstairs all dressed for kindergarten and he was so excited to show everyone his CRAZY new shirt with a pocket on the back that I didn't have the heart to tell him.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 25, 2021
Can a person die from waiting for a husband to select something to watch on Netflix?
Asking for me.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) October 29, 2021
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as "ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row."
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 29, 2021
Told my daughter her outfit didn’t match and her shirt was too small for her and she said, “Geez, people don’t always want to hear the truth, Daddy,” so apparently 9 is the age we start this.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 28, 2021
I don’t like when my 4yo throws things down the stairs. He loves throwing things down the stairs.
So we compromise by him continuing to throw things down the stairs and me getting another coffee.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 29, 2021
*water spills all over the floor*
me: eh i’ll get it in a minute
*steps in water 5 mins later*
me: i hate myself
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 27, 2021
Yeah I’m an adult but I’m always looking for a higher ranking one to know what the fuck to do
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) October 28, 2021
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 28, 2021
My daughter has been trying to decide what she wants off the menu for 20 minutes and it’s driving my husband crazy. Our little girl is all grown up and ready for marriage.
— Jawbreaker 🎃👻🍬 (@sixfootcandy) October 22, 2021
Me: Sound out this word
5: Buh ll ah cc kk
Me: Great! What does it say?
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 27, 2021
Good news! I fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans. Bad news…they’re low rise.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) October 25, 2021
A mother’s prayer: Thank you Lord for our neighbors who are old and hard of hearing and therefore not bothered by my feral children
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 24, 2021
“OMG IT’S FREEZING IN THIS HOUSE!”
~teens, in room temperature, wearing a tank top and shorts
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 28, 2021
Kids today will never know the struggle of digging furiously through 8 giant cases of CDs in your car just to find the perfect song before the light turned green
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 29, 2021
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