The kids and I went to a new restaurant this week. I pass it every day on my run and kept saying to myself “we should try that place someday.”
The place is “Italian” but like from the part of Italy where all the Olive Gardens are located.
So we walk in and I immediately realize this place is a cafeteria-style restaurant.
I want to leave but the kids already have tray and they’re in line. I hate cafeteria-style places. I want to sit down and ask a server about the specials and have things brought to me.
Here’s the kicker though – this was all my fault. If I just did a little recon first and scoped the place out I wouldn’t be in this mess.
Naturally, my kids loved it, and want to go there all the fucking time now.
Here’s this week’s dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants from other parents.
Went to a kid’s birthday party where they gave away slime and glitter glue. So I wiped off a few “no school” days from their white board calendar
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 18, 2021
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 19, 2021
I had a 15 minute conversation with my daughter this morning about the temperature of her urine.
That’s all you really need to know about parenting.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) November 19, 2021
Ride my ass and I’ll break-check the fuck out of you.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) November 18, 2021
Me: *folds laundry*
5-year-old: So you're the one who does that.
Me: Who did you think did it?
5: It just sort of happens.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2021
*my 6yo spends her book fair money on a pen*
me: but when I was little I’d get so excited to pick out a book!
6: uh that was YOUR childhood, mom. not mine. it's my body and it doesn't have to read if it doesn't want to.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) November 19, 2021
My kindergartener is telling time and now his little sister is eager to learn. Things were going okay until I was microwaving my coffee and she glanced up at the clock to practice–I could almost see her brain melt as the seconds counted down.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 17, 2021
6: Mama, I’m scared. But I’m brave enough to sleep in your bed with you.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) November 18, 2021
5 y/o’s have a unique ability to use newly learned words both inaccurately and appropriately in the same statement, as in, “Snow before Thanksgiving? Well, that’s awkward.”
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) November 19, 2021
I got a notification that I’d met my sleep goal and didn’t know this notification existed because I never meet my sleep goal
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) November 19, 2021
The most unrealistic part of every movie is when they tuck the kid in bed and it just like goes to sleep fuck off with that shit
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) November 18, 2021
Sorry the cool cousin won’t be at Thanksgiving this year but honestly that’s what makes them the cool cousin.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 19, 2021
Some family’s holiday traditions involve meals handed down through the years. Mine involve varying levels of resentment.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 18, 2021
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