January is finally over. Many people feel like the month took forever to pass. I feel as though it went by in a blink. Whatever your opinion, keep this one thing in mind – the days are what you make of them.
Ok, let’s laugh.
Here are this week’s dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants from other parents.
Pro dad tip: Once your baby begins to crawl, it’s acceptable to put him on a leash in public.
If anyone shoots you a disapproving look, just tell them, “It’s better for everyone this way,” or simply say “He’s a rescue.”
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) February 2, 2022
Teenagers are basically adult-sized humans with fun-sized brains.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) February 3, 2022
Therapist: You really need to distance yourself from toxic people in your life.
Me: But they are my children…
— Notorious THB (@thatdentaldude) February 3, 2022
Sorry I’m late, I had to pack lunches so my kids have something not to eat tomorrow
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 4, 2022
My son's friend took out the garbage for me because he "noticed it was full."
Looks like I do have a favorite child.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 1, 2022
My favorite thing about snow days is spending an hour getting my kids dressed to go play only for them to act like they’re freezing to death 10 minutes after we go outside
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 3, 2022
Me: You have to wear pants while at the table! People don’t want to see your butt while they eat.
4: People are coming over?
Me: No I’m people. I don’t want to see your butt while I eat.
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) February 4, 2022
women would really rather keep buying shit they don't need at target than go to therapy.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 3, 2022
the hospital profiled my pregnant wife. took one look and said, to the "she's aryan" section
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) February 4, 2022
my teen’s name is Abby which is the shortened version of WHERE ARE ALL THE PHONE CHARGERS ABBY?!
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 3, 2022
Annual reminder that heart shaped pizza is less pizza for the same amount of money.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2022
My kid suggested we use pepperoni for a snowman's buttons and that is the kind of winter energy I need
— meghan (@deloisivete) February 3, 2022
“Ice cream is good for you when you’re sick!”
– My 4yo who is clearly the doctor I’ve been looking for
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) February 3, 2022
Talking AND staying on topic is my idea of multi-tasking.
— Dad to the Bone (@Dad_ToThe_Bone) February 2, 2022
Me: I’m hungry.
Fridge: I’m full of the veggies and fruit you just purchased.
Me: Doritos it is!
— Jawbreaker ❤️ (@sixfootcandy) February 3, 2022
When doing laundry for my kids, it's equally concerning to have way too many dirty clothes and way too few.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 3, 2022
me: your teacher said you’ve been using inappropriate language in class
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) February 3, 2022
I shed so much hair, I couldn't commit a perfect murder if I tried.
— Lara 🌏⬇️🐨 (@Eithercryingor) February 2, 2022
Me: When do you want to eat?
Me: No, when?
Me: NO WHEN do you want to eat?
Me: Like, what time?
– why I drink on weekdays
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 3, 2022
Just trying to remember what I was going to say is enough of a word game for me
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) February 4, 2022
im a good person, is it too much to ask to just wake up with a fantastic body without trying
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 3, 2022
kinda bummed that parenting doesn’t come with a final boss
— Jared Tullos (@JaredATullos) February 3, 2022