Did I mention I’m moving? I’m moving. Not until the middle of September which feels like both 5 years away and 5 days away.
I’ve already started collecting boxes.
My marketing team reminded me to take videos and photos while moving because “people hate moving but love watching other people move.”
My god, this world is full of sick people.
Here are the funniest parenting memes, dad jokes, mom puns, parent complaints, tweets, and rants of the week.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend must have forgotten about pockets
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) July 15, 2021
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 14, 2021
What’s your favorite thing about vacation and why is it leaving the kids at home?
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) July 14, 2021
In case anybody’s having a bad day, I just got stuck inside my romper at a steakhouse bathroom and had to ask a stranger to help pry my out of it before I peed myself.
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) July 14, 2021
I’m no mathematician, but I can tell you that 75 percent of parenting is cleaning up cheese stick wrappers.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) July 16, 2021
Code words for “fuck you”:
Bless your heart.
You do you.
Good luck with that.
Let me know how that goes for you.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) July 14, 2021
One time, when I was a hostess at Chili’s, someone called and asked me what the phone number was. She thanked me, hung up and called back 2 seconds later to make a reservation. It’s been 20 years and I still think about it.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) July 12, 2021
I wish I had the confidence of my husband who walked out of his office with six coffee mugs after I just started the dishwasher.
— The Spicy Disaster Mama (@spicydisasterma) July 11, 2021
Little League ends tonight and the season’s MVP is the mom who would bring a cooler of hard seltzers, put them in koozies, and hand them out to the other parents.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) July 15, 2021
Shark week? Oh I thought you said snark week… I’ll come back later.
— Sweet Momissa 🪁 (@sweetmomissa) July 15, 2021
I just walked 7,000+ steps, but I did it while consuming a sandwich, a chocolate croissant and a large iced coffee because that’s who I am.
— Gila Pfeffer (@Gilapfeffer) July 14, 2021
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 15, 2021
My kids either mumble or talk like they on a helicopter.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) July 13, 2021
Before you get married, try texting each other while sitting three feet apart on a couch.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) July 11, 2021
Was just asked so many questions by a gas pump I had to check to see whether it was programmed by four year-olds.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 15, 2021
ok well, i'mma cry about it
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 15, 2021
“I’m trying to focus and you keep distracting me!”
– my 5yo, when asked to do anything
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 15, 2021
my daughter lost a tooth and asked if she could keep it to make it into jewelry so yes everything is fine here
— Krysta (@kaL12578) July 15, 2021
When you're a working parent and tell the kids to go entertain themselves so you can get some work done. pic.twitter.com/78jWozGids
— Christina Crawford (@Xtina_Crawford) July 15, 2021
If you were awkward as a teenager when making plans with friends, just wait until you’re a parent & you’re in charge of arranging play dates for your kids.
I fight the urge to throw myself on my bed and write in my diary about it while a Sarah Mclachlan cd plays in the background
— Mommy Meme Jeans (@mommymemejeans) July 14, 2021
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she's been distancing herself from blame.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 15, 2021
If I ever have another baby I hope it's a maid.
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) July 14, 2021
I know it’s hot out but don’t worry guys, my wife just lit a fall scented candle.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 15, 2021
There is no sound on Earth worse than that of a child eating a banana
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) July 15, 2021
Led Zeppelin: And she's buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 15, 2021
When your wife says "You know I've been thinking" your day off has just been filled.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 16, 2021
Behind every kid going back to school this fall is a parent who is 3000% here for it
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 11, 2021
me: ew. there’s kids everywhere
them: aren’t you a mom?
me: yeah what’s your point
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) July 15, 2021
Sometimes I like to look at those beautiful pictures of the spotless perfect nurseries, the kind people make for their first child, and laugh and laugh
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 15, 2021
me: hear me out doc, emotional support queso
them: ma’am this is chipotle, call it what you want you still owe $3.99
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 16, 2021
The best actress award goes to my 8YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 16, 2021
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