A friend of mine texted the other day to relay this story – she had just finished showering and walked downstairs in an oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants with her hair up and no makeup.
Her 9-year-old son asked why she looked like such a hoebag.
Asking him to clarify, she realized he was trying to say hobo.
Alright, here’s more parenting memes, dad jokes, mom puns, parent complaints, tweets, and rants of the week and just plain funny shit.
Wife’s traveling for a week so I’ve set reminders on Alexa to give me random unexpected tasks
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 17, 2021
TikTok putting up those “Hey you’ve been scrolling a while…” vids. Shut up narc. Just show me some funny cat videos.
— Mommy Meme Jeans (@mommymemejeans) July 22, 2021
My son came downstairs with a box of toys from his room. "Maybe we can donate these to kids that don't have toys," he said. For a 5 year old, he's pretty generous. "Then maybe we can go to Target after & I can fill the box with new toys." For a 5 year old, he's pretty ingenious.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 22, 2021
Being over 40 means you can use the weather as an excuse not to go out
— eLeni (@eleniZarro) July 22, 2021
i will never judge you for who you love or how you identify or where you come from or the color or your skin or how much money you make but i will cut you out of my life if you type “wah-lah” instead of “voilà” like a mf idiot i stg
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 22, 2021
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 23, 2021
*marked safe from listening to my 9 year old tell me her entire dream 🥴
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) July 22, 2021
My kids are out of town, and it’s weirdly quiet around here, and I’m not saying I’m struggling, but I just yelped at a bug in the kitchen and my own voice noise startled me.
It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 22, 2021
My step kids sweetly refer to me as “You’re not my real mother” and “My mom cooks way better than you.”
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 21, 2021
I ran out of lotion so I used some of my wife's.
It had glitter in it so I go by the name Destiny now.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 23, 2021
You're a kid again. You're playing outside. From a distance you hear the jingle of the ice cream man. You and your friends scream. Run inside. Scramble for money. Come back out and wait. He arrives. You pick your favorite treat and eat it on the porch. Life. Is. Good.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 23, 2021
It’s funny how your horn doesn’t move my car.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) July 21, 2021
Me: I'm so tired. *drifts peacefully off to sleep
My anxiety: Oh no ya don't. We've got a lot of ground to cover. How sad would it be if you died young? I bet that sunscreen you put on the kids has harmful stuff in it. Do you know the risk of….
— Christina Crawford (@Xtina_Crawford) July 20, 2021
Child: [eating a bag of blueberries]
Me: Stocking up on your antioxidants?
Child: No. I think if I eat enough of these my poop will turn blue.
Me: give me some
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 23, 2021
The reality is that if my kid isn’t making us late I am
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) July 22, 2021
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend must have forgotten about pockets
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) July 15, 2021
(Noun) That moment after the kids are fed, bathed and in bed, your husband is watching some version of sports on television, and you step into a shower hot enough to melt your skin off your body. ALONE.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) July 21, 2021
When you hear a loud crash and you ask the kids if everything is ok and their response back is “NOTHING!” rest assured that everything is in fact not ok.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) July 20, 2021
When my daughter is frustrated she’s started yelling, “cheese, Louise!” and if anyone tries to correct her I’ll fight them.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) July 22, 2021
Kid wants a toy and you don’t feel like stopping? Just tell them the store is overrun by rats and they will get mad at the rats! “Stupid rats” they will say
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) July 23, 2021
I’d just checked the last item off my to-do list when my son called from our house phone to tell me that his iPhone had just been stolen so that ought to keep me busy for the next two hours.
— Gila Pfeffer (@Gilapfeffer) July 20, 2021
Women: Men are horrible at communicating.
Also women: I can’t believe you didn’t get me anything to eat even though I said I didn’t want anything.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 23, 2021
The thing about having teenagers is, what happened to all of our silverware?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 19, 2021
You think your kid is creepy?
My 5yo told me she was eating baby chicks as she happily ate her eggs
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) July 22, 2021
When and how did my kids learn the word bored ?!
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) July 23, 2021
Nail tech: I didn't know you had daughters! You always come in by yourself!
Daughters: WHAT?! MOM!
It's like she didn't want a tip.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) July 23, 2021
*at the park*
new friend: hi I’m Annabel I’m from Tennessee
my kid: hi I’m Joshua I’m from my moms belly not her bagina
— Live Laugh Unhinged 🚮 (@kaL12578) July 23, 2021
Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) July 22, 2021
I could live in a huge mansion, with 10 different playrooms for the kids to play in and I'm pretty sure they would still be on top of me, telling me they're bored.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) July 23, 2021
I put some food for my kids in oven and forgot to turn it on, if you're looking for a parenting role model.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) July 22, 2021
12 has his best friend over for the first time since covid started and I wasn’t prepared to feel this emotional over a play date.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 22, 2021
Nothing can prepare men raising daughters for the amount of hair ties and blankets that will overtake their house.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 21, 2021
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 21, 2021
My 7YO: How many sisters would you like to have?
My 5YO who already has 2: One
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) July 16, 2021
Husband – Let me get this straight. So if the kitchen is clean, you make a mess and leave it it’s okay, but if the kitchen is clean, I make a mess and leave it it’s not okay.
Me – Correct.
— The Spicy Disaster Mama (@spicydisasterma) July 21, 2021
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