What do I have to say this week? Eh, nothing much. Life is pretty good. What more could I ask for?
Here are some dad jokes, parent complaints, mom puns, tweets, rants and just plain funny shit.
Take your toddler on an airplane so they can lick every surface possible.
— The Spicy Disaster Mama (@spicydisasterma) July 27, 2021
*after spending 4 hours at the pool*
5: Are we doing anything today?
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) July 22, 2021
I’m a nervous flyer and my husband always holds my hand during take-off. Today, as we took off on a flight, my 7YO grabbed my hand and said, “Don’t worry, mom. Dad told me since I’m the one sitting by you I should hold your hand cuz you’re a scaredy-cat.”
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) July 25, 2021
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 30, 2021
Hiking with kids can lead to so many precious moments like when I slipped a little while climbing a rock wall and 9 said, “Give me your phone first next time so we can call Mommy or a taxi to get home if you die.”
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 28, 2021
if you're struggling with your toddlers now, don't worry. It changes. Not for the good though, it's actually worse. Way worse. like, horrifying. I hope this helps you.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 30, 2021
I’m not sure how many human emotions there are, but my 4yo is currently experiencing all of them
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) July 29, 2021
I have no clue why, but my twelve year old nephew was bragging about how he would kick my ass at bowling. I said, "I'll bet you $20 AND I'll even bowl right-handed." He quickly accepted. Fast forward 2 weeks and we just had our game. I absolutely destroyed him. I am right-handed.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 29, 2021
sometimes when I’m thinking about someone I love I’ll eat things that remind me of them like when I think of my sister I eat cookie dough ice cream and when I think of my kids I eat birth control and when I think of that one guy I eat rat poison you know the usual things
— Krysta (@kaL12578) July 29, 2021
15: Um, aren’t you going to tell me good morning?
Me: Good afternoon.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) July 30, 2021
A realistic Mario Kart game where half of the characters miss the start bc they are texting when the light turns green.
— The Dad (@thedad) July 30, 2021
When my family is getting back from their outing and I didn’t even get to lay down yet pic.twitter.com/vZZCrVUn0T
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) July 29, 2021
I won’t give up room on the couch for my family but am willing to get a cramp in my hip contorting my body around the dog to keep her comfortable
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 30, 2021
Remember last year when we said we would get together when this crazy year was over? Haha classic.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 29, 2021
Sorry Fitbit, I have no interest in having a constant reminder that I suck at exercise
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 29, 2021
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 29, 2021
My toxic trait is I think I shouldn’t have to cook dinner two nights in a row.
My family thinks otherwise.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 29, 2021
My 16-year-old is shirtless and rocking back & forth on the kitchen floor which is producing fart-like suction noises every time his back lifts up so don’t tell me that kids these days can’t entertain themselves without their phones .
— Gila Pfeffer (@Gilapfeffer) July 30, 2021
“Well I don’t have kids but—“ ok, I’m going to have to stop you right there
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) July 30, 2021
I wouldn’t have any friends if people knew how often I drop my phone on my face.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 29, 2021
My kids are loving James Cameron's Avatar, which is a beautiful reminder that when it comes to movies, kids have garbage taste.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 30, 2021
I love how many guys out there are like “yeah girls love me I can last all night”. Sir, if you make me miss my podcasts and nighttime bowl of cereal I’m gonna punch you in the scrote
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) July 29, 2021
Dads and daughters have an unbreakable bond in large part because of moments like how when my daughter and I passed a nice Ford on the road last night she sighed and said “I bet we can’t A-FORD it”
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) July 29, 2021
Is shit hole one word or two? I want this resignation letter to be perfect.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) July 28, 2021
Before you book an appointment with the Genius Bar for Apple Support to find out why your front-facing camera appears blurry, maybe just check to make sure there’s not a glob of butter smeared on the lens. I know this now.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) July 28, 2021
Today I learned that nobody will take you seriously when you scream “WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY FLIP FLOPS WITH THE BOWS ON THEM?”
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) July 28, 2021
Wife and I are having ice cream for lunch because we have no kids right now so it’s the perfect time to do things we tell them they can’t.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 30, 2021
Password resets be like, your new password must contain: 42 hieroglyphics, the Pythagorean theorem, and the blood type of 14 artic monkeys
— Christina Crawford (@Xtina_Crawford) July 29, 2021
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