How are you doing? No, really, how are things? Has anyone asked you this question recently? I’m asking because I like to check in on people.
I like to check in on everyone except the people I hate checking in on. You know those people. You want to care but they talk for so long you end up thinking “I don’t fucking care, stop talking.”
I typically end those conversations with some outlandish lie like I just got a call that my boat is on fire even though my phone didn’t ring and I don’t own a boat.
I do this for two reasons. First, it gets me out of the conversation. Second, the person might start feeling a little bit better about their life when they put it into perspective and think “well, at least my boat isn’t on fire.”
Please enjoy this week’s dad jokes, parent complaints, mom puns, tweets, and rants every parent will appreciate.
Friend: It’s super casual, don’t be extra
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) September 14, 2021
I’m Mom. You might remember me from such hits as “Everyone in the Car” and its sequel “What Do You Mean You Forgot to Wear Shoes.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 16, 2021
Me: [walking into hospital's Maternity Ward with my children]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 17, 2021
My daughter keeps calling the dental assistant a waitress and I’m never gonna correct her
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) September 14, 2021
*Signs into anything*
Me: please autofill, please autofill, please autofill
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) September 17, 2021
my onlyfans is just me saying “fuck that’s good” as i sip my coffee
— Nadine Antoinette 🖤 (@Lilblack_heart) September 16, 2021
Welcome to your 40s: that kid dressed up like a doctor, is a doctor.
— ERIC THE GREAT (@NotTodayEric) September 16, 2021
I may not know the most convenient time for the kid to tell me I have school forms to sign, but I know it’s definitely not after I’ve gotten into bed and said I’m exhausted, I’m going to sleep.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) September 14, 2021
everyone enjoy your weekend! Cause it'll be Monday in 17 minutes.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 10, 2021
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
— Mommy Uncensored (@amomuncensored) September 15, 2021
I’ve been working with my therapist on how to tell my family that I love Arby’s.
— 🪓Mommy Spooky Jeans 🔪🎃 (@mommymemejeans) September 12, 2021
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) September 17, 2021
[Scraping melted cheese off the counter]
Me: GIRLS! IF YOU SPILL, CLEAN. IT. UP. YOU DON’T HAVE A CLEANING FAIRY!
10: Kinda looks like we do though.
Me: GET OUT.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) September 15, 2021
Damn you look good. Like REALLY good.
You are a picture of perfection.
I could just stand here and watch you all day.
I knew I deserved something like this and I’ve waited so long for you.
– Me talking to my new refrigerator because this is what it’s like in your 40s.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) September 14, 2021
Parents: It's about to be open-window season again. Just a friendly reminder for when your kids aren't listening
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) September 16, 2021
Tell me you have kids without telling me you have kids pic.twitter.com/tRhRjaTd97
— Lara💕 Anti-BS (@Eithercryingor) September 16, 2021
Trying to decide on a school portrait package that’s somewhere between “I care but I don’t need my son’s face on a kitchen towel.”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 12, 2021
My kids won’t need screen time to entertain themselves. – Me, before kids
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 17, 2021
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 16, 2021
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 16, 2021
Neighbor: hey is everything okay there’s a lot of yelling in your backyard
Me: yeah the kids are just attempting to play a game together
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) September 14, 2021
My husband made me mad so I stole his towel while he was in the shower and then set off the smoke detectors.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 16, 2021
me: how was school?!?
kindergartener: *a 45-minute monologue on lunch*
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 15, 2021
The undoubtedly coolest parent in the school pick up line is the guy who rolls up on a skateboard and carries another one for his son
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 15, 2021
Avoid the morning walk to the couch simply by sleeping there to begin with
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) September 16, 2021
I was eating sunflower seeds when I noticed they were not salted. Then I noticed they were a bit damp which made me realize that my kid had been licking the salt off and putting the seeds back in the bag.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 15, 2021
Thanks to covid I now know exactly how to deworm a horse, in case you didn’t think anything useful would come out of this pandemic
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 17, 2021
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