I don’t really have much to say this week. I’ve been on vacation all week. It was awesome.
Please enjoy this week’s dad jokes, parent complaints, mom puns, tweets, and rants every parent will appreciate.
Things I’ve washed this week:
6 tons of laundry
3 tons of the same laundry
3 snack wrappers
8 hair bands
And 2 doggy poop bags
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 3, 2021
In case you were thinking about having kids, my 5-year-old just sneezed repeatedly over the entire silverware drawer.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2021
Last night my 6yo wanted to “rest his eyes” 5 minutes before bedtime instead of actually going to bed, and if that isn’t confirmation that he has my DNA I don’t know what is.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 26, 2021
My teen just went from saying “can you not” to “can you not, actually” and omg please make it stop.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) September 1, 2021
4 fruit snacks and 7 granola bars ago, my child said she was not hungry for dinner.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 3, 2021
I’ve been sitting in this school pick up line so long, I have vultures circling
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 1, 2021
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
— Adam (@YSylon) September 2, 2021
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 2, 2021
School drop off me and school pick up me are not the same person
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) August 30, 2021
Me not worrying about preschool bills anymore pic.twitter.com/WwwSjHLWNU
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) September 1, 2021
Single, Childless Me- I’m Gonna Rule The World
Motherhood- I’m Gonna Rule Out Sleeping
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 2, 2021
There’s no better feeling than when your wife comes into the room mad and you slowly realize it’s someone else that she’s mad at.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 2, 2021
this isn't as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 2, 2021
Things I say to my kids every school morning:
Where's your lunch box
Please get dressed
Where are the socks I laid out for you
Please get dressed
Please eat your breakfast
Please put your shoes on
Put your shoes on
Are your shoes on
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) September 3, 2021
All I’m saying is that if we have to wait in a carpool line that feels like the 7th circle of hell, they could at least offer a coffee kiosk to temper our misery with caffeine. An iced latte while I wait an hour for my kid to emerge from this dumpster fire? Don’t mind if I do.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) August 27, 2021
My son informed his class that mommy has a big pimple under her mask I can’t get away shit in this family
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) September 1, 2021
Me [watching rain forecast]: We're supposed to get 3 to 4 inches.
Wife: Welcome to my world.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 1, 2021
A couple sat in the booth behind me and one of them said, “you want to go ahead and talk about it now and get it over with?” I haven’t been this excited in a long time.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 2, 2021
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 2, 2021
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) September 2, 2021
My husband thought it was a good idea to move some of my clothes to the guest room closet like he’s not about to be living in there.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 1, 2021
No matter how hot the night is, never underestimate how cold your child’s feet will be when they place them on your back just as you’re falling asleep
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) September 3, 2021
How do little kids have so much energy? Their body is so small. Where do they keep it? In their chubby little hands?
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 2, 2021
Man colds are bad, but worse is when everyone but my man gets sick and then he starts gloating about his "superior" immune system.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) September 3, 2021
My go to parenting phrase was “stop being a little turd”. In case you were thinking about coming to me for child rearing advice.
— Adam (Severedthumb) (@thumbhook) September 3, 2021
All on his own, my son just started cleaning up a mess his brother made, so don’t tell me there can’t be favorites
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) September 2, 2021
MORE FUNNY STUFF TO READ
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