Here’s a funny story I’m eventually turning into an Instagram Live but I’ll explain in words for now.
I’m at the library. I’m in the finance section and looking for a specific book. I find the book but the spine of another book gets my attention. I open the book to find a handwritten list inside.
The first words I notice on the list are “Fruit Roll-Ups.” I think to myself, “oh, someone left a grocery list inside the book.”
The next item on the list is Edible Lubes.
I scan the entire list. Every item is either a sex toy or a sex outfit. The list is EXTENSIVE and takes up an entire side of the paper.
I’m assuming these are different Fruit Roll-Ups than I buy for my kids. If they’re indeed the fruit snack, I get that too. Sexual domination also calls for snack time.
The items on the list – all total – would come to thousands of dollars.
No wonder this person needs a book on personal finance.
Please enjoy this week’s dad jokes, parent complaints, mom puns, tweets, and rants every parent will appreciate.
Her, 5: how do you spell cat?
Her, 5: *clicks pen* C as in cat?
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 26, 2021
Being a parent is literally just replacing the toilet paper roll and cleaning up messes that don’t belong to you repeatedly until you die
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 26, 2021
No matter how well you usually feed your kid, she's still going to snitch on you to the doctor about that time you let her eat ice cream for breakfast.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) August 27, 2021
It’s cute when I’m driving and my husband holds the grab handle as if that’s gonna save him.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 26, 2021
Me: Why are you naked? You can’t be naked at school you know.
My 5yo: I know that’s why I’m naked now because I’m going to miss being naked so much.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) August 23, 2021
Good news! My 8YO says she is halfway done with the story which she started telling last Monday
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 26, 2021
We got a new couch and it holds so much laundry.
— Twinstant Family (@twinstantfamily) August 26, 2021
Told the boys to clean their room in the condo and they said "we did". pic.twitter.com/gfRjGWg4AN
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 26, 2021
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 26, 2021
If you’re not 12 hours early then are you even going to the movies, airport, party, or show with a dad?
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) August 24, 2021
When one door closes, another one opens, and it’s usually my kid chasing after me as I try to leave
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) August 25, 2021
Exorcist: So what makes you qualified to deal with demons?
Me: I have four kids. Three are teens. Two are girls. The oldest two are in college.
Exorcist: jesus christ
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 27, 2021
I hate when your kid needs help with their homework and you have to try and learn math in 10 minutes.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 26, 2021
Look, in my defense I really don’t care
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) August 26, 2021
I see all you parents complaining about little kids making you watch countless pool jumps that all look the same, and raise you a teenager making you watch countless TikTok dances that all look the same.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) August 24, 2021
Who needs ghosts when you have kids who roam the house freely at 3 am and occasionally stand right over you staring
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) August 26, 2021
Today is painting a rainbow fish with glitter and sequins. Tomorrow is slime day. Is this some sort of anti-parent daycare?
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 26, 2021
15: I kinda like it when guys have mullets.
I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THIS GENERATION.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) August 23, 2021
4: *frantic* Daddy!!
4: *increased intensity* DADDY!!
Me: *becoming concerned* What’s wrong, honey?!
4: DO DOLPHINS EAT FLAMINGOS?
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 27, 2021
My son asked me what his locker combination was so I had to tell him that I once got his birth date wrong at the doctor.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 26, 2021
Welcome to parenthood. Everything is too loud now.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) August 24, 2021
Last night my 6yo wanted to “rest his eyes” 5 minutes before bedtime instead of actually going to bed, and if that isn’t confirmation that he has my DNA I don’t know what is.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 26, 2021
9-year-old: I had a good day at school.
Me: What did you do?
9: I don't remember. That's why it was good.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2021
I took 2 days off from work this week and now I have no fucking idea what day it is
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 27, 2021
MORE FUNNY STUFF TO READ
- Parenting Note #771 – Habits
- Funniest Tweets & Memes From Last December (That Are Still Funny)
- Funniest Tweets & Memes From Last Week (That Are Still Funny)
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