Holy crap, moving sucks. You forget what an awful experience moving can be until you’re in the middle of it. I’ll talk more about it next week but I’m completely in the new place and want to sleep for a week.
A quick note before we begin – if you feel like crap, you need a massage gun at 20% off. Trust me. I’ve been using mine for the past few days and it’s helped a ton.
Please enjoy this week’s dad jokes, parent complaints, mom puns, tweets, and rants every parent will appreciate. I’ll be sleeping until October.
My mom says she sometimes finds my toddler confusing, and now I’m wondering who’s kid she’s hanging out with because my toddler is confusing all the time
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 24, 2021
I don't like how my mom smiles when my 4-year-old is destroying me and my house
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 23, 2021
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) September 23, 2021
me: I'm going to start getting the kids ready for bed
wife: it's 4:30
wife: please proceed
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 23, 2021
My 3yr old has discovered that he's now tall enough to reach the water dispenser on the fridge, so I'm happy to say my floors have never been cleaner. Or more dangerous.
— Just Heather 🖤 (@weedswildflowrs) September 23, 2021
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 23, 2021
HAPPY FIRST DAY OF FALL!
*throws my razor out the window*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 22, 2021
Moms only want to know one thing and it’s how much longer till bedtime
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 24, 2021
There’s been a 100% increase in my 5yo calling me Dude since she started kindergarten.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) September 23, 2021
Grew a beard just because I heard a rival dad complaining that his comes in all patchy.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 22, 2021
They say you can’t smell a picture, I disagree. pic.twitter.com/KDF4hYbh0K
— ERIC THE GREAT (@NotTodayEric) September 20, 2021
my 5 year old: i know that guy in blues clues isn’t really talking to me because one time he asked me to do something and i said no and he said thanks
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 21, 2021
Gonna need you to give me some privacy while I figure out whether this door is a push or pull
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) September 24, 2021
Waking up teens for school is so fun. Who doesn’t enjoy feeling blinding rage before the sun even rises.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) September 21, 2021
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 23, 2021
I guess "Peace out, bitches!" wasn't an appropriate way to leave the PTA meeting.
I know this now.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 24, 2021
School's Open House night is a great way to find out how many projects you'll be doing for your kids all year.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 24, 2021
I teach my kids economics every day when I give them a snack and take 30% for myself
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) September 23, 2021
ok but why does Lowes and home Depot entrance and exits gotta be 5 miles apart?
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 24, 2021
Our morning routine can best be described as Fuck the Bus is Here.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 23, 2021
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
— Mommy Uncensored (@amomuncensored) September 15, 2021
9 yo: Mom, please don't put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) September 21, 2021
The cheeseburger emoji is always in my recently used emojis, and that’s all you really need to know about who I am as a person.
— 🪓Mommy Spooky Jeans 🔪🎃 (@mommymemejeans) September 23, 2021
Me: Hold your horses.
5-year-old: I don't have any horses.
Me: It means calm down.
5: I can't. My horses are gone.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 21, 2021
MORE FUNNY STUFF TO READ