Before we jump into the jokes I just want to remind every that Trunk-or-Treats are fucking dumb and you shouldn’t feel obligated to take your kids to them.
OK, end of public service announcement.
Please enjoy this week’s dad jokes, parent complaints, mom puns, tweets, and rants every parent will appreciate.
There was a time when I’d go bungee jumping for a rush and now I just have to sit up a little too quickly
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 21, 2021
“bad guys drop all the litter so that’s why we gotta get all the bad guys outta this world!”
– my 4yo demanding tough punishment for littering
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 21, 2021
My husband let it slip that he’s one episode ahead on the show we are watching together. I let it slide because I’m also one episode ahead on the show we are watching together.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 21, 2021
Me before kids: I’m going to be such a laid back parent
Me now: If I find one more light left on I will remove every lightbulb in this house and we will spend the rest of our days in darkness
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) October 20, 2021
It is important to note that, when said by a 3 year old, “I need a new body” and “I need to go potty” sound identical
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 21, 2021
If your kid says, “hey mom, watch this!” there’s a 90% chance you’re about to see a spin kick.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) October 22, 2021
wife: you want to try these cheese crackers made from cauliflower?
me: [already on the phone with a divorce attorney]
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 21, 2021
Having a teenage son is fun because we can bond over acne treatments and shaving our mustaches.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 21, 2021
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
— Jawbreaker 🎃👻🍬 (@sixfootcandy) October 19, 2021
One of the main parts of marriage is reminding each other to take ibuprofen.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 21, 2021
I’m just not built to pull all dayers
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) October 21, 2021
and for my next trick, going to bed super tired and managing to somehow not fall asleep for two hours
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 19, 2021
Felt something inside my shirt and thought it was a bug so I started slapping myself but turned out it was just a Dorito in case anyone wonders what kind of heartthrob I am in real life.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 22, 2021
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids. Two are in college. One just got his driver's license and my youngest is about to become a teenager.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 21, 2021
Another childhood pleasure that has 0 explanation pic.twitter.com/KA4WQdj9hs
— ✪ (@OhTeeHo) October 21, 2021
My 4 year old had a meltdown this morning because she wants to move to California.
We live in California.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) October 21, 2021
My wife and I have an agreement on household chores: I do things my way, I redo them her way.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 21, 2021
Me: Go to bed.
5-year-old: I have to do one thing first.
5: Stay awake forever.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2021
MORE FUNNY STUFF TO READ