I have a little secret that some people might have picked up on by now.
Every week, I highlight the 35 funniest parenting tweets and memes but if you took a second to count there’s always more than 35 tweets and memes.
I just like using the same number every week because I’m lazy.
Here are the funniest dad jokes, mom puns, parenting complaints, and rants of the week.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 2, 2021
My husband is outside watching a YouTube video on how to fix the lawn mower. I know this because the audio is playing on the Bluetooth speaker inside.
— Daisy (@Daisyldoo) July 1, 2021
When you’re home alone taking a bath and you hear a noise pic.twitter.com/t4FT2VEiel
— Ghostface Kryllah (@Kryzazy) June 29, 2021
Since he got back from the theaters, I’ve been listening to my husband explain every part of Fast and Furious 9, so I’m gonna need someone to start a gofundme for bail money soon.
— Mommy Meme Jeans (@mommymemejeans) June 27, 2021
My daughter got bangs today and immediately regretted it like some kind of miniature version of every woman ever.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 2, 2021
Never disturb a mom rushing, she needs space to panic in peace.
— Lara💕 Anti-BS (@Eithercryingor) July 1, 2021
My favorite thing about summer is my grocery bill quadrupling & my kids still saying there’s nothing to eat.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) June 30, 2021
I don’t care if you’re vaccinated, you still need to stay 3 urinals away from me in the Walmart restroom
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) July 1, 2021
Will you remind post-vacation-me that I’m out of toilet paper because pre-vacation-me says, "screw it. I'm on vacation."
She's such a bitch.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) July 2, 2021
A woman's sigh has more impact than giving the finger.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 1, 2021
Your kids will outgrow the diapers way before you’ll outgrow the diaper bag.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) June 30, 2021
I don’t want to say that my kids have their friends over too often, but I’ve started to notice additions to the grocery list on my fridge in a handwriting I don’t recognize
— Gila Pfeffer (@Gilapfeffer) July 1, 2021
I love when people tell me to have fun on vacation like the kids aren’t going to be there, too.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 2, 2021
I’ve never felt a deeper connection to my 4yo than just now when she ran out of her room yelling, “MOM!!! I just sneezed and peed in my pants!!!”
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) June 28, 2021
My wife: [watches first 10 minutes of any new TV show] This is boring, let’s watch something else
Also my wife: [watches every episode of Grey’s Anatomy Season 17]
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 1, 2021
My husband fucking LOVES to ramble on about which “storms are out there”
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) June 30, 2021
I was lacking motivation on Monday morning but then I saw an older women ordering chili cheese dogs while blasting Madonna at 9am, and that was all I needed.
— The Spicy Disaster Mama (@spicydisasterma) June 28, 2021
That confusing parenting moment when you want to beat the crap out of someone for fucking with your kid, only it’s your own other kid.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) July 2, 2021
Asked my daughter what she wanted for lunch and she said “tacos” so we found a taco truck but she couldn’t decide what to order because “all they have is tacos” so the answer is 9, that is the age ladies become impossible to please.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 1, 2021
It's 7:38 and my kids are in bed. Thinking of starting a cult.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 2, 2021
My husband when I throw out a pair of his torn underwear pic.twitter.com/CM9EgV8DdJ
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) June 29, 2021
friend: come to my july fourth party!
*she says while plotting exactly what excuse will occur 17 minutes before the party preventing her from attending
— That Mom Tho 🏳️🌈 (@mom_tho) July 1, 2021
Leave for vacation in the morning so I figured while everyone was last minute packing I would organize my bin of cords.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 2, 2021
Narrator: he would not. pic.twitter.com/6PEXzUNy2Y
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) July 2, 2021
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) July 1, 2021
My youngest has never wanted anything to do with me.
Today he just hugged me and said I was his best friend.
So what I’m saying is…I’m scared.
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) June 29, 2021
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 1, 2021
Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) June 22, 2021
My childless friend asked what it’s like having kids so I stole all her chargers, ate her chips and farted on her lap.
— V (@V32951124) July 2, 2021
After 2.5 years, I finally heard the words I’ve been longing to hear:
“Mom, please leave me alone”
— Coffee & Crusts (@CoffeeNCrusts) June 28, 2021
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