A quick story – I’m seeing someone. It’s in the early stages but going incredibly well.
The kids asked what I did over the weekend without them. I explained that she and I hung out.
SON: “So, is she your girlfriend?”
ME: “Well, I wouldn’t quite say that.”
(a few moments of silence)
SON: “So is she a girl you like to hang out with and spend time with and hope one day is your girlfriend?”
ME: “Yes, that’s a good way to put it.”
His sister says nothing during this exchange.
A few hours later, I’m taking my daughter out of the bath. She begins her questioning.
DAUGHTER: “So, she’s not your girlfriend, huh?”
DAUGHTER: “That note she left on your desk would say otherwise.”
She’s going to make quite the mom one day and her kids aren’t going to get away with jack shit.
Please enjoy this week’s dad jokes, parent complaints, mom puns, tweets, and rants every parent will appreciate.
Me before coffee: Ughhh…
After coffee: Today I'm going to run for mayor, write a book, join the PTA, organize my spice drawer, weed the yard, and cure the common cold
— Christina Crawford (@Xtina_Crawford) August 6, 2021
What kids hate:
– Dinner time
– Alone time
What adults love:
– Dinner time
– Alone time
I’m beginning to see how there might be some conflict between us on the daily.
— Cry It Out Mom (@CryitoutMom) August 5, 2021
There is a drinking game where you drink every time a kid annoys you.
It's called "parenting."
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 5, 2021
“Mommy, if anybody asks what you want for your birthday I’m gonna tell them you want massages and for somebody else to clean the house all month long”
-My kid who just earned himself unlimited dessert tonight
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) August 5, 2021
Husband Gets home:
“I’m fu*king done. They destroyed my house like rabid animals & every second of the day was a sh*tshow. I want nothing to do with these heathens & I’m going to cry in the shower.”
Getting into bed:
“OMG, babe! She did the cutest thing. Hold on, I took a video.”
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) August 3, 2021
[talking about the future with my boys]
oldest kid: i'd want to live near you guys
youngest kid: can i just always live with you?
middle kid: i'm moving 500 miles away from all of you.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 6, 2021
My husband saw me putting on deodorant and asked why I’m getting dolled up
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 5, 2021
Why don’t they just make the Tupperware spaghetti colored right there at the factory
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) August 5, 2021
I love how the first thing they do at the doctor’s office is weigh you. I was already nervous, now I’m depressed. Maybe next they can bring up something I regret from my past & really get this party started.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) August 5, 2021
Every single parent in the history of kid’s birthday parties who was offered a slice of pizza and declined really wanted that pizza.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 5, 2021
Mommy, I want to go to Paris. I want to visit the iPhone tower.
— 𝓜𝓸𝓶’𝓼 𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓸𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻 (@Mamaoutoforder) August 6, 2021
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that children are just machines that turn chicken nuggets and juice boxes into hugs, puddles, irrepressible anarchy
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) August 5, 2021
7-year-old: I need a Band-Aid!
Me: Are you bleeding?
7: What's that have to do with it?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 3, 2021
my kid: what kind of things did you like to do before i was born?
my memory: pic.twitter.com/YXl2DJ0wam
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) August 6, 2021
Discussing life goals and 11 told me she wants to have a yard with a gigantic zip line some day and the point here is even if you think you’re failing your kids, there are moments you realize you’re doing something right.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 6, 2021
Saying the word “snack” in the presence of a toddler is basically like saying the word “walk” in the presence of a dog. You better be prepared to deliver.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 5, 2021
Don’t ask me how I’m doing if you’re not ready to hear about everything that’s getting on my nerves and why.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) August 4, 2021
My daughter’s stories have a beginning, middle, more middle, side plot, almost the end, nope back to the middle, this has to be the end, what is happening, end, alternate ending.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 5, 2021
If I ever refer to my husband as my "rock" on Facebook, I've been hacked.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 5, 2021
Asked Sandi to dress up as a nurse so I could fulfill my fantasy of home health care.
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) August 6, 2021
Me: Happy Birthday, Dad!
Dad: Thank you. At my age, the only difference between any other day and your birthday is people want to know how old you are.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) August 4, 2021
okay BrendaLynn I hate to break it to you but organizing your pantry by color isn’t going to fix your life
— Krysta (@kaL12578) August 6, 2021
Me: I hate the way you drive.
Husband: Do you want to drive?
Me: No thanks. I prefer complaining about the way you drive.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 4, 2021
Parents don’t vacation, they keep their kids alive in a different location.
— The Spicy Disaster Mama (@spicydisasterma) July 30, 2021
PARENTING PROTIP: let your kids try a sip of your bourbon at an early age, but call it a "soft drink." Not only will they avoid soft drinks for many years to come, but you won't look as bad when they tell people that you sit around in your pajamas drinking soft drinks all day.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 3, 2021
I really want my kids to think I’m a cool mom so I’m super relieved they didn’t just see me whack myself in the face with the buckle of my fanny pack.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) August 5, 2021
Did you used to pretend the white tic tacs were pills or did you have a normal childhood?
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) August 5, 2021
Our parent’s washing machine: 30 years old, zero issues, works like the day they bought it.
Our washing machine: 3rd one in 5 years, breaks every 6 months, have to leave the door open because it stinks but came in a pretty color.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 6, 2021
Me: please pick up your garbage and throw it in the trash
My kid: pic.twitter.com/qEiDZoAM5X
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) August 5, 2021
I don’t remember if I was 34 or 35 before my birthday so now I don’t know if I’m 35 or 36. That’s your 30’s
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 5, 2021
before i had kids i knew exactly how i would raise them…this morning i bribed them to get out of bed with peanut butter marshmallow sandwiches
childless me didn’t have a clue
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 4, 2021
Today, 13yo skateboarder Sky Brown became the youngest ever British Olympic medalist.
When I was 13 my greatest achievement was finally saving up enough babysitting money to buy my first Benetton sweatshirt.
I guess we’re both champions in our own unique ways.
— Gila Pfeffer (@Gilapfeffer) August 4, 2021
Shoutout to my kids for thoughtfully keeping the kitchen sink clear of dishes & silverware by hoarding all of it in their rooms.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 4, 2021
I'm not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they'd still ask me for a snack.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 3, 2021
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 6, 2021
My life would be less stressful if my kids could get out the door with the same speed they trash the house
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 5, 2021
3YO: Mom I like this boob the best (reaches up and grabs the right one)
7YO: Which one is *your* favorite, dad?
My Husband: (visibly fucking thinking about it)
Me: That’s enough
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) August 5, 2021
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