Funny story before getting into the meat and potatoes of this post.
Both my kids went to the dentist about two months ago. Both my kids had 4 cavities. Four. Immediately, I felt like a failure as a parent. No time to unpack that baggage right now.
Both were scheduled to have those cavities drilled and filled on Friday, August 13th. That’s today. They’ve both been dreading the appointment.
My phone rings at 8 am. It’s their mom and immediately my mind goes “Oh, this can’t be good.”
I imagined my daughter holding off the doctor and nurses with a drill while my son tied everyone up with those little cords the hygienist uses to put the bib around your neck.
It’s the 8-year-old on the phone.
“Daddy, guess what?”
“The dentist’s office called. We don’t have to go.”
“The dentist was in an accident and is in the hospital! I’m so happy.”
“Ok, well, I understand that but let’s keep in mind someone is in the hospital.”
“Oh. Right. So sad.”
A little bit of good news for the kids on a typically “unlucky” day.
In a related story, their appointments are rescheduled for the afternoon after their first day of school.
Yeah, I laughed at that too.
Please enjoy this week’s dad jokes, parent complaints, mom puns, tweets, and rants every parent will appreciate.
The TV just said “everyone is looking forward to the start of the school year” and under her breath my daughter said “that’s a big load of bullshit”
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 12, 2021
My toddler physically needs 1 bandaid but emotionally needs 97.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 11, 2021
Me to teens: Back in my day, we had to read the labels off of whatever we found in the bathroom while we sat on the toilet
Teens: *one starts crying, another runs home, the other vomits
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) August 10, 2021
okay murder hornets, you can come out now. we’re ready
— nash flynn (@itsnashflynn) August 12, 2021
Sounds like my husband is in a good mood better go nip that in the bud
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) August 12, 2021
Parenting hack: Wear a condom
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 13, 2021
As we were loading into the car for a road trip I told my kids, “poop now or forever squeeze your cheeks,” and nobody laughed. Tough crowd.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) August 13, 2021
my kids didn't want me to buy this antique doll for their room. i have no idea why. pic.twitter.com/YGwTJdDZvJ
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 13, 2021
Parenting hack: make your kids wear their clothes inside out so next time you do laundry you can throw it right in.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 13, 2021
I drove to a craft beer store during a long work call & while checking out I was asked a question. I unmuted and said "sorry, had to pick something up from the pharmacy." Unprompted, the cashier said, "any questions about your prescription?" This is the society I want to live in.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 12, 2021
My two favorite things in life are being with my kids and not being with my kids.
— The Spicy Disaster Mama (@spicydisasterma) August 12, 2021
mom jokes are just dad jokes with better tits
— vision bored (@visionbored2) August 9, 2021
A few more years and I can get a shower chair without being judged.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 9, 2021
Back-to-school shopping, kids! pic.twitter.com/AgyUw6GSri
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) August 12, 2021
I’m still navigating how to date in my 40’s, but I have learned that “Seriously?” is not a winning response when they send you a selfie.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) August 12, 2021
Nothing has the power to ruin your day. Except fluorescent dressing room lighting when you’re trying on bathing suits.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) August 7, 2021
In my 20’s I would swap a purse out like it was nothing… NOW it’s me and this overstuffed backpack until death
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) August 11, 2021
“I’m still full of life…” I whisper to myself as I apply my medicated heel crack cream.
— Cry It Out Mom (@CryitoutMom) August 11, 2021
Parenting is telling your kid they can’t have a cookie before bed knowing full well you’ll have an entire sleeve of cookies after they go to bed.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 13, 2021
So it’s called “coughing” now. pic.twitter.com/5aISop78bH
— Mal (@TheRealPalMal) August 13, 2021
As I stand at the sink washing a stack of dishes no one else has bothered to touch, my son asks, "Why do you look so angry?"
Teens are fun. And also oblivious.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 7, 2021
[my wife one minute after starting with me] don’t start with me
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) August 12, 2021
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 10, 2021
Parenting Hack: Believe your kid when they say they don't need to go to the toilet.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 13, 2021
11-year-old: When I turn 16, can I have Mom's van?
Me: That's so far away.
11: It's in 5 years.
Me: *curls up in a ball*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2021
One minute you think your child is a budding chef and the next he’s jamming green beans into his ice cream, so just remember when you say your child is “capable of anything” that’s not always a good thing
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) August 11, 2021
I wish I was as broke as I thought I was before I had kids.
— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) August 6, 2021
Welcome to parenthood, your drink always has your kid's backwash in it now.
— Christina Crawford (@Xtina_Crawford) August 5, 2021
Parenting Hack: Practice talking to rocks.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 13, 2021
Whenever I’m feeling down, I think back to when my mom would cut my bangs herself before picture day every year and I know that things can always be worse
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 12, 2021
We’re going to have to start making sourdough again aren’t we?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 13, 2021
More funny stuff to read
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