The fun of moving into a place continues. I still don’t have a couch. This is only slightly less annoying than my power outage issues last week.
The couch I bought couldn’t fit through the door – more accurately it couldn’t fit around the corner to get in the door – so it had to be sent back. I had to go back to the store to order a smaller couch and chair. The company only delivers on Tuesdays and Saturdays. The couch and chair don’t come until next week.
You don’t realize how much you sit on a couch until you don’t have a couch. I also don’t feel completely moved in. I feel like I’m living in a yoga studio.
The kids don’t seem to mind. They just hang out in their rooms all day. It’s probably for the best. It leaves more room for the 11am Vinyasa yoga class.
Please enjoy this week’s dad jokes, parent complaints, mom puns, tweets, and rants every parent will appreciate.
me: hey wanna leave and go spend time with me?
8: will you buy me something?
8: no thanks
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 7, 2021
Absolutely no one:
My kid: isn’t it weird how no one ever really knows when they’re in the middle of their life
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 7, 2021
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
— Jawbreaker 🎃👻🍬 (@sixfootcandy) October 7, 2021
Due to completely unforeseeable circumstances, i am now paying for the consequences of my own actions
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) October 7, 2021
8: why do i have to go to school?
me: so you can grow up and get a job and your own place and eat thai food or cake for breakfast and no one will stop you, no one
8: oh. cool.
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 22, 2021
My son on why Caleb is his best friend at kindergarten: "He doesn't really speak English, so we can skip all the talking and just get right to the karate."
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 1, 2021
It’s that time of year again when I decide whether to put up decorative fake cobwebs or continue to not clean my house.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) October 7, 2021
Wife: I have today off.
Me: I have today off, too.
Wife: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: Oh yeah, baby.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 8, 2021
I got up from the couch and my Fitbit sent me a notification that it detected unusual activity.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 7, 2021
Being the first to fall asleep at night is such a marriage flex.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 7, 2021
It’s so cute how my son texted me from school today to let me know his Cheez-its were stale.
BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO CLOSE A BOX!
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 8, 2021
In a game of toddler vs parent, toddler always wins
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 8, 2021
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to stand in the rain while shouting about inclement weather to anyone who will listen
– Dads everywhere
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 7, 2021
Daughter just reported she is “going to trick or treat until I die because the Spirit lives within me” in case there was any question whether the commitment to Halloween fades in 6th grade.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 8, 2021
My wife’s traveling for work. Please send me some random chores or shout something sarcastic, so I don’t miss her. Thank you
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 7, 2021
We need a kids show about a kid that doesn’t talk before 8am
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 8, 2021
Oh, yay! It’s that magical time of year where my child brings a recorder home from school.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) October 6, 2021
My 9-year-old has to write an essay for school.
It only needs to be 300 words and it's not due for another month.
She's already actively thinking of reasons why she can't get it done in time.
She's a real writer now.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2021
MORE FUNNY STUFF TO READ